27 August 2015

Life is too Short to Wait for an Abusive Husband to Change

Yesterday by the time I reached home I was ready for a nap because it was a long day at the training centre followed by the long walk back home but I saw my neighbour has taken all their furniture out. I thought the young couple was moving out. Upon inquiry I found out that only the wife was moving out. It sent a chill down my spine because just there months ago I saw them happily moving in together.

She reported that she was assaulted many times, she was almost crying when she said, "Yesterday, he nearly killed me. I cried for help, didn't you hear me?" She showed her bruised body. We sincere apologised for being such a bad neighbour. We assumed that as a newly wed couple they would still be making love. Literally. We misunderstood those late night screams and banging on the wall.

My wife and I uncomfortably helped the wife load her stuff on the pickup along with the three individuals who were related to the young woman. And without a second thought we prepared refreshment for them. 

As I was serving them refreshment I couldn't help saying this to the wife, "We are sorry for not being there to celebrate your marriage but at least we are happy to be here helping you when you chose your freedom out of the abusive relationship." My wife signalled at me to shut up but I went on, "Why didn't you report to the police?" I just wanted the man to hear it. He was actually a good looking man who had a meek smile perpetually fixed on his lips, quite a contrast to his violent nature.

I didn't know who was right or who was wrong, I didn't even ask why they fought at all. The fact that the man has assaulted the woman broke my heart. Who the hell will protect her if the very man on her bed is assaulting her? I could never understand how one could abuse the very person one has chosen out of everybody on earth.

But I was throughly awed by the young woman's courage to walk out of the abusive relationship right away. I have known many women who hung onto their marriages hoping their men would change but the truth is if you don't walk out on the first slap you are just waiting for the next hundred slaps. It's normal to fight in relationships but violence should never be tolerated. Life is too short to wait for an abusive husband to change and it's too personal to worry about public opinions. 

Disclaimer: This post is based on an incident and therefore the focus is on husband being abusive but it can be the other way round too, though not discussed here. 

Following is a story from Miguelon Dell Call about a woman who hung on to her abusive husband. It's widely shared on Facebook.

She's got flowers!

It wasn't her birthday or any other special day.They had their first fight, and he said many cruel things that really hurt her.She knows that he is sorry and that he would not say those things again, because he sent her flowers.

She received flowers again!It was not for their anniversary or any other special day.Last night, he pushed her against a wall and started to choke her.It seemed like a nightmare, she couldn't believe it was real.
When she woke the next morning her body was painful and bruised.
She knows that he must be sorry, because he sent her flowers to forgive.

She received flowers yet again!And this was not mother's day or any other special day.Once again, he has beaten her, it was much more violent than other times.
If she leaves, what would she do?How would she care for her children?
And financial problems?She is afraid of him, but is scared to go.
And she knows that he must be sorry because, as usual, he sent her flowers to forgive.

Today, was a very special day!
She have received piles of bouquets of flowers from all those who knew her and who loved her!It was her funeral.
Last night, he finally killed her. He beat her to death.
If only She had found enough courage to leave,
She would have not received so many flowers today!


  1. Very relevant topic Passang. Every section of our society is affected by this malady. What is more, domestic violence has become, kind of gender neutral. While you have discussed about 'abusive husband', there are, of course abusive wives too. A nephew of mine is 'preparing to walk away from his highly abusive wife'.

  2. Dear Passu,

    Precisely my thoughts too .... nothing justifies staying on in a relationship where one suffers abuse and disrespect. I feel nothing except loathing for those who justifying continuing to suffer ill-treatment and subjugation in a relationship – on grounds of fear of societal disapproval, that children will suffer or that parents will be unhappy. Personal happiness and contentment is a right that must override all other considerations, except causing harm and unhappiness to others. Only the weak will justify suffering as a way of tolerance and virtue. One does not have to suffer so that someone else can be happy – I think that is the way of the fool.

    If that lady is around - please congratulate her on my behalf.

  3. Appreciate her decision to choose a free life

  4. As always an enlightening post Passng It is right if virtue can not undo the vice, it is nice one make decision in trice.

  5. As always an enlightening post Passng It is right if virtue can not undo the vice, it is nice one make decision in trice.

  6. That is just happening, i just wonder what that woman was thinking about marrying him? Was he blind? Didn't she understood that it is very serious decision and it is not like finding someone to write my essay or buying a new dress?

  7. Very well written piece :) so much truth in it .kudos to the woman for being brave and strong enough to walk away. In our society A lot of women are scared to leave for the reasons you have mentioned above . Societal scripts and obligations imprison and isolate women, I m saying this from my own experience . I was a victim of domestic violence for almost a decade before I realized that I can either leave the relationship now and deal with societal opinions and the tainted reputation orrr end up in a bodybag! Took me a long time to leave because I was so worried about my family reputation and what people might think and say . I think we need to educate and empower women/men and the society itself so no one have to put their lives in danger and stay in abusive relationship.
    Michael Barker in my opinion your question " what was the woman thinking marrying him" seem a little ignorant! Abusers of any kind ( emotional or physical) do not appear abusive at first! They use charm and courtesy and a facade to manipulate people before they victimize them!!! You really think shewould have given him a day of her life let alone marry him if he started off yelling and screaming the very first time they met???

  8. Going to extremes i might suggest...The whole institution of marriage and society needs to b changed...haha...well it's changing very slowly almost unappreciable... and also
    In the secomd paragraph shouldn't it b "sincerely"?..idk..just thought u shud know..

  9. Very nice one Sir, I have ever wanted to write an article on it but I am a victim of my own laziness. Yeah, this is still happening in our society. I have a friend who is going through the same thing. I tried and consoled her but I regret I can't help her any better. I can't advice her to leave her husband ( which i actually did) because there are a little problems if she did: no.1 being she loves him, no. 2 being she married him despite of her parents' refusal, no. 3 being economical factor whereby she earns but not enough for a city. I also have heard of my girl friend's friends going through the same. What can we do to these problems? We can expect the husbands to change attitude but alas, they seldom do...

  10. Well written piece la. Kudos to this strong girl. This act not only freed her from more suffering but also inspires other people living with abusive partners choose living happier lives.

  11. Having all the things written well, I was sad to know that you being her neighbor, couldn't save her from harsh beating that night.
    In addition, I would like to suggest one thing if u don't mind. We all know that the life is too short and can not waste ones life in the hand of a abusive partner. Having said that, I am no incouraging to walk away instantly. Especially, if there is a kid in between, not only ourself, we have to think thousand time of their life after divorce. What I would like to suggest is that, if such things happen, put a person in between and then make a strong agreement in favor of the culprit. Then give a second chance. After that, if things remain unchanged, then one can thing of walking away.
    My sincere request for all the parents is; do not abandon the tender life of the saplings, for your mistake. Give second thought before walking away. Resort to better options and keep the walking away option at the bottom of the list.
    This is just a personal suggestion.


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