My Daughter Forgave Me

That night I failed miserably. She kept looking at me, as if trying to recall why I looked, smelled and sounded too familiar. She even smiled  at me often but every time I went closer she gripped harder on her mother. I saw her effort in trying to remember me as much as I was trying to make her remember.
It reminded me of the many movies I watched of people who lost memory, Notebook in particular. I then tried some filmy tactics; redoing every little thing I did with her, making my signature sounds... but before she could jump on to me it was her bedtime. I was angry and sad and miserable but my wife guaranteed that next morning everything would be fine. And guess what, it was! My darling crawled on to me and demanded me to take her out. Finally she forgave me for the seven days.
But I am afraid how can a child ever forgive their parents who left them for years!

My daughter forgot me in seven days

Last week I was my daughter's favorite person at home, she would cry for me and when she was in my arms she was the happiest. I remember how badly she cried when I left for these seven days workshop. All these week I called home every evening and listened to my daughter's sounds, and she heard me too.

This evening I reached home and I cancelled all my online occupations just to spend time with her but the fact that I am blogging now is my daughter won't come to me. She looks at me a cries bad. She forgot me in seven days, god. I am hurt. All my excitement died for now, but I will work hard to regain her love. And most of all I will never leave her anymore.

Breast Envy

In Sigmund Freud’s psychosexual development theory there is an interesting phrase that describes a girl child’s desire for penis, and the power that it represents. This is described as penis envy. I ain’t Freud’s fan a bit; everything in his theory sounds crazy but I own a strange feeling that no word could describe, and which somehow relates to his penis envy concept. 

After I became father I started wondering why I can’t breastfeed my daughter. I shared my funny state of mind with Germaine, a Singaporean friend, who inspired me with stories she read about male breast feeding being possible in some scientific research papers. It is known as male lactation.  She gave me a few living examples including a western doctor and a Hollywood actor. I tried a few times myself but my daughter would look at my face and smile away. 

It is too much a job for a mother to carry the baby for nine months in her belly, suffer the near death experience of delivery, and still having to sooth the baby every now and then, even in the middle of night. What are fathers for? Gone are the days when fathers go out in search of food, now a days if father puts the bread on the table it is mother who puts the butter. But god needs to redesign the human anatomy. Why did he have to give both to woman after all, what if the mother passes away? Why did he have to give two little nipples to man when he had no intention of filling it up?

My daughter likes playing with me, knowing I could lift her higher than her mother do and take her places out of home. But every now and then she looks for her mother despite my hardest effort in pleasing her. When she wakes from her naps I love being by her but she would cry as if she saw a stranger, only her mother’s presence would make her smile. She can spend days without me and that makes me feel inferior. I am almost unnecessary in my daughter’s growth. If only I could breastfeed her I would feel like a complete father.

Cc: to God, for necessary action.

My Daughter tasting the first spoon of food

My Darling Sitting Up!

Tonight at 9PM my daughter will be 6 months old. And this morning she tasted the first spoon of food in her life. Her mother and grandmother excitedly enjoyed feeding her, I missed the moment. But this afternoon I watched her during her lunch. She got irritated when her mom took forever in preparation; she was screaming and licking her lips as she saw the bowl coming. Surprisingly she cleaned it thoroughly and was ready for more. She has been hungry for last six months. We fought the temptation of feeding her for so long. My mother tells me that I was fed the very day I was born. It’s our achievement that we could hold on so far.

There were a few exceptions we had to give ourselves; we used diaper in the first week, we has to give her pcm often, we put her in the walker when she was five months and we already started carrying her on our backs. There is right time for everything, but the right time depends on whom you are listening to. So often we decided when the right time is. Of course we would have avoided the medications but there was some unfortunate period in my darling’s life; she was ill and suffering from fever and pain in her neck, which is when we couldn’t help. I thank the doctors in Bajo BHU and JDWNRH and most of all my doctor friend on Facebook, Dr. S. Pradhan.

Today, as my daughter becomes half a year old I am happy to have my mother with me. My mother watches her granddaughter speeding around the room in walker and unscrewing whatever gets into her way. She makes different sounds in different moods and won’t leave us bored. She can already recognize her mom, father, brother Jigme and uncle Samten. She will remain silent if someone other than us picks her up, then if she is no released soon she will cry, but to my pleasure she doesn’t mind my mother.

My Sleeping Child!

One major question is answered today after she emptied the blow of rice soup, i.e. 6 months is the right time to feed your baby. There were other questions like, when should we start bathing her? When should we start using diaper? When can we wear her pants? When is the right time to use pillow? Can we use pacifier after the second month? When can we put her in the walker? When should we start feeding her? We passed all these questions. Now comes the next section of questions: When can we give her solid food? Is it ok to give her vegetables after seventh month? When can we let her walk on her own? What is the first sentence that we should be teaching her? And My personal best question is, when can I start teaching her English Literature and abstract Art?

My Daughter's Page I

After becoming father washing diapers became more important than blogging, in case some of you wonder why I didn't write for sometime. My daughter doesn't have a name yet; I wanted to call her Deki Tshomo, but her mother thinks Deki is not a lucky name (she happened to see that in life) she rather choses Ninzey Tshomo and today my mother registered her in census as Kezang Choden, since her birth certificate carries no name.

By 9:09 PM today my daughter will be one month old. This first one month she has been a very good girl. She is not too demanding, she rarely cries at night and she gives us an occasional smile. Her good health is our biggest assert and I am grateful to god.

Tomorrow she will go to Yangthang for the first time. She will meet her little Aunty Pema Yangchen and reunite with her grandmother.

Moments in Photograph!

I don't have a picture from my childhood though there was camera then (how do I know there were cameras?) My uncles have huge collection of photograph with my grandfather in them (probably from 70s), I wonder why my mother is not among them during those moments. It seems like there was a family camera but may be I was too ugly to waste a film!

Well that was history. Now I have a digital camera and I do keep photographic record of every important moment in life. And Most of all I am going to click every little moments of my daughter's life; her first bath(ha I have video recorded it and uploaded it on Youtube), first smile, first cry, her first birthday, her first everything...

Someday when she become old enough to comprehend life she would love to revisit her life and live the innocence yet again in her fathers love. For now I have this pictures...

I am a father!

At 9:09 PM, 29th November 2009, My wife gives birth to my daughter in Bajothang BHU. She is 3 kg heavy with dark black hair, already opening her eyes and suckling her fingers. Thank you god, I am a father now!

In Picture: My daughter's first day among us, her first bath, conducted by her grandmother Gaki, my mother!